I don't know if I've mentioned my struggles with depression before. But like any
normal person in todays world I struggle with it. I was never diagnosed by a doctor or anything. But I have family that was and from what I've learned I have gone through some pretty bad depressive episodes. I have never admitted it to family growing up. Just to Matthew now who tries his hardest to help me when I need a little extra help.
It probably started around age 9 or 10 and my lowest point was age 16. I didn't want to kill myself. But I didn't want to live either. Since then I've been better but never quite actually happy. Just managing to stay neutral to mildly happy. That still isn't right but it's better. I was able to maintain that most of the time. I prayed and wrote "poetry" and listened to music to get through the worst of it. I would have panic attacks which I concealed as best I could.
But through the years I stopped fearing my feelings so much and decided to use my emotions no matter how negative they may be to see the beauty of life. I know that sounds backwards but it's the train of thought that helps me not go backwards. People say "There is a bright side to everything". Well pain, sadness, and anger can have beautiful aspects too. And I have decided to look at the beauty in them rather than let them make my life ugly.
Unfortunately pain, sadness, and anger are a part of life. We CANNOT escape that. So accept it. Believe me I know how hard it is to see beauty in them but if you look hard it is there.
I have some relatives that are quirky to put it nicely but you know what? I wouldn't trade my experiences with them for anything. Yeah a cushy upbringing has its perks too but without my bad experiences I wouldn't have the insight into people and life that I do now.
I have been through a lot. I don't really feel like enumerating it all right now plus if I told you "everything" I'd be telling you other peoples business too. So I will refrain from bringing you down with all of my past. Not only is it my past but other people have it even worse so who am I to complain that much haha.
On a positive note though I have actually been achieving real happiness. I still struggle when I think of my mare that passed last year or when I dwell on my past too long (thus my not wanting to talk on that too much). Recently I have been struggling because I feel like I've waited more than long enough for my turn.
Let me explain...
I have always wanted to ride. It's all I thought about doing as a kid. I finally got my late start to riding at age 13. I have had my horses ruined by bad barn owners and bad horse sitters. I have done TONS of hard labor and worked with greenies and rehab cases to pay for board. I have never done more than 3 schooling shows because I never had the money or a horse that could. I have been told I will never be a god rider or get anywhere in life. I have been told I'm an amazing rider.
I have always wanted that true connection and harmony with a horse and to show for real. I had that connection with my mare. But she passed before we could show or breed her.
I still long for that feeling...
I have been lucky in being able to ride for free by riding the ponies and horses no one else wants to or can. But I feel it's my turn.
It's my turn to have what I know I deserve.
I have worked my tail off for the payoff of a decent horse to connect and show with and on hard work alone, forget talent or skill, I deserve that horse!
This has been plaguing me because I feel like I'm on the edge of either getting what I deserve or being stuck in the dumps of never progressing forever.
But it's ok. Because even though I still really miss twist, I want to use that to be better. In honor of her. She did so much for me that I never got to give back. I know there is no way to fix that but I can at least not let her death be meaningless. I have to live with meaning every moment of every day. I have to choose my battles and chisel away at my goals piece by piece. That can be her final lesson to me. That can be my way of remembering her forever.
So yes I still get down. But I refuse to stay down. I may fall. But I will always get up. Even if it takes a few tries...
Sometimes (almost always) something that seems less than appealing (ugly) is hiding something beautiful just behind it whether its an invaluable life lesson, a priceless experience, just a good story to tell, or even a reminder. As you stare at the ugly duckling be patient until the swan appears. Don't let your problems make your life seem ugly to you. Use them to find beautiful solutions or lessons.
I hope this post was more encouraging than anything and I wish you all happiness!