The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly..
Hi guys :)
So Sunday I worked and then had an emotional breakdown. I know, not the best way to start a blog post but I have to. It's what happened and I'm not going to hide it. I have struggled negative feelings for almost as long as I can remember. I've never gone to a doctor for pills or anything because for the longest time I was pretty much in denial.
Sorry guys just wanna warn you that these next few paragraphs aren't the happiest. I hate to come across whiny but I want to include the good, the bad, and the ugly. (I will try to be brief!)
Even as a kid I exhibited some odd behaviour. By age 12 I started a long battle with OCD. I washed my hands constantly, I was terrified of touching anything that in *my mind* would make me sick. I had to count to 4 in a certain rhythm while making my bed, turning off a faucet, opening/closing doors, even leaving a pen on my notebook. And everything had to be touched a certain way. I hated it! But if I didn't do it I felt like a film of filth was over me and I couldn't get it off until I did what I felt compelled to do. And by 14 I was struggling with negative feelings of depression and anger. Depression kind of runs in my family and so do tempers lol. So between my frustration from OCD, my temper, and natural inclination to depression I was pretty negative. By age 16 I didn't want to live anymore and barely ever ate (anorexia) and suffered from panic attacks.
I never admitted any of this to my family because I was ashamed.
I'm not a doctor nor have I ever seen one for these problems but after tons of research and seeing reality I realized I had "problems".
Now, I strongly believe that no one is "normal" so to speak and we all have issues. That because no one is perfect we all fall somewhere on the spectrum so to say.
After my dad saw one of my panic attacks (I would go hide in my closet when I felt one coming on) he approached me and we talked. He's talked to doctors to get information to help other family members and we concluded that I was not ok but that with support I could be.
*Ok this is where it gets positive again. Thanks for bearing with me. I made sure to keep it as brief as possible. There were a lot of actual events in my life that effected me but I don't feel up to going into those ;)
At 17 years of age I decided enough was enough. I had had it. I couldn't feel negative anymore. I had to fight. I DECIDED to be happy. I promised myself to never starve myself again. To not let my OCD control me. And to be a happy person.
It's not *that* easy though..
My first step was throwing away all my depressing poetry that I wrote. It had served it's purpose to allow me to vent but I wanted to let go of it. So in the trash it went!
Every moment of every day was a struggle. But it very slowly got a little bit easier. And I was determined to keep chipping away at it.
I met Matthew at age 17. His friendship got me through a lot even though he had no clue. I never had a good friend. But then I had a group of friends that were genuine, honest, supportive, inclusive people.
I won't bore you with the details but I don't know where I'd be without him.
So that's a bit more in depth explanation about my "dark" side lol.
It wasn't until about a year and a half ago. Maybe 2 years ago. That I told Matthew about my struggle with anorexia. He already knew about everything else.
I've come a long way.
There were months where I ate 100-500 calories a day. Now I eat almost 2,000 (sometimes more lol).
I used to not want to live. Now I wake up smiling most days.
And I rarely ever give in to my OCD anymore.
But... I still slip up, fall down, and have my moments when I feel desperate, down, angry, depressed, and frustrated. When everything comes rushing in and I feel like maybe I don't have the strength to overcome it. I don't want to do anything or see anyone. All I want, all I crave is running away to the middle of nowhere and sitting silently in nature. So yes, it's still a very difficult struggle some days. And Sunday and Monday were two of those days.
Monday I worked a long shift and then I planned on going to the gym but I was so exhausted that it didn't take much and I was having another breakdown.
Tuesday morning I wanted to make it all up to Matthew because he had been having to deal with my depression for 2 days now and I hate that. So I decided to see if he wanted some donuts ;)
I know! I know, what am I thinking?! "Food is not love". And why eat so unhealthy?
Because, we are bulking so we have the room in our macro's. I didn't feel like cooking lol (I cook every meal for every day. Trust me, sometimes you NEED a break!), and it's something we both love and get excited and happy about so it seemed fitting to express my love with a breakfast donut date :)
So I had 3 eggs, 5 pieces of turkey bacon, a blueberry cake donut, and an apple fritter for breakfast lol. Lunch was much healthier though. 6oz of chicken, 1oz of goat cheese, 1 cup of spinach and a splash of balsamic vinaigrette.
Ending Macros for the day 114P 71F 147C 1730kcal
Also got in a great late night workout. We did legs. I was able to do 10 more pounds on squats, 5lbs more on leg press, and 25lbs more on calf raises. I could of gone up another 5lbs on squats again but didn't :(
I have but on 3lbs since I started by bulk a little over 3 weeks ago. I now weigh 100.6lbs. I'm not to sure how to feel about gaining at double the rate I planned on. But some could be water retention, some could be my body still having to adjust. But it does feel like half of it has been muscle. I know "how it feels" isn't the most scientific way to tell, but oh well.
Wednesday I worked a VERY long shift. 8:45am-8pm. And even though it was a VERY long day of work I actually had a lot of fun.
And after that hard day of work I had a burger with sweet potato fries and ice cream LOL.
Thursday I slept in big time! Like till 10am. Yes, that is sleeping in a lot for me because I normally get up at 6 or 7 at the latest.
So we had a nice brunch of turkey bacon and donuts LOL.
After our "brunch" we went to Marshalls and I got a round brush because A. I've never had one. And B. I've been trying to do a blowout with a regular brush and it's just not working so I needed a round one lol. So hopefully I don't screw it up haha....
Then Matt headed off to work and it was time for me to get our apartment back in shape.
Later that night we did back, biceps, and abs at the gym. The workout was great. I really felt my back working. Unfortunately my wrists were KILLING me. I need to find something to hep with my wrist pain. They've always bothered me since I was a kid. Any suggestions?
Friday we got some much needed grocery's lol. And I had my first ever milk shake! Unfortunately I forgot to get a pic of it..... :( I will get one when we make it again. Matthew made it for me. It was just coffee, frozen coffee, salted caramel syrup, almond milk, and lactaid ice cream :) DELICIOUS!! :D
Also it was my second time participating in #flexfriday lol
So I tried out my new Lip stick. I love the one from last week, in fact it is my favourite. But I wanted to try the "Katy Kat Matte" ones by Covergirl. I let Matthew choose the shade. Not too bad huh?...
We had planned to go to the gym Friday night but we both felt really run down and tired so we listened to out bodies and rested.
"Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired. Relax when you are stressed. So: listen to your body!"
- Stephanie Davis
Saturday I worked 8:30am-2pm. Then Matt played baseball with a friend.
I was going to ride but it was too hot. Like literally 102 degrees too hot! So we went home to cool off and then headed to the gym.
Now, I am NOT a fan of cardio by any means. Mainly because of how too much can wreak havoc on your joints and inhibit muscle growth. BUT, in moderation, it IS beneficial as it increases blood flow thus helping prevent injury and release of toxins, and more blood flow helps muscles recover better and grow stronger.
So I finally decided to bite the bullet and try doing some.
We started with 5 minutes of cycling to warm up. Then Matt went off to do chest and I did legs.
We've never done this before... We've always worked the same things together. So it was different being apart in the gym. At first we had two smith machines next two each other. He bench pressed and I did squats, romanian deadlifts and shoulder raises. Then he went to fly's and I went to calf raises. After that I don't know what he did because I went to do leg curls and weighted kickbacks. I did 5 sets of 5 reps with increasing weight on everything. We both finished off with 5 minutes of stairmaster.
I literally only did what I felt like doing and didn't have a strict plan other than work hard. Hopefully the little bit of cardio (which killed us) will help reduce recovery time. The 5 minute cycling warmup didn't zap our strength or anything. In fact we liked it! It seemed to get us pumped for weights.